the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
