oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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