Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
