went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
