so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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