And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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