I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
That reminds me...we need to get swords
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
