my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
