I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
