I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
