I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Oh god it's open bar.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
