i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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