its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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