what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
