What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
