Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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