She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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