Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
