Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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