ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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