apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
