if you like me you must not know who I am
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
