the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Randomize
