I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
