Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
