my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
