Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
