I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
