Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
