Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
