It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
