if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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