I just threw up on my dentist
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
