we have pet lesbian snakes
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
