They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
