I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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