If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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