If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
