My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
