??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
