its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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