All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
