I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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