If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
