Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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