I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm passing your future prison.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
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Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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