Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
