In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
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How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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