i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
