I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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