And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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