I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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