Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
