Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
