I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
