my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
