I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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