i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
