i just wanna soil my oats bro
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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